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If you love your job and can’t wait to get there in the morning and, at the end of the day feel energised, satisfied knowing you make a difference, then stop reading now.

If that’s not the case and you feel trapped and frustrated, wondering how to escape the treadmill, knowing your values are compromised and the thought of politics leaves you demoralised and you know there’s a better way, then I challenge you to examine what it is that’s stopping you changing it?

Whatever your reason, the underlying theme no doubt will be fear.  Twenty-five years of being a psychologist has shown me that the underlying cause of people’s inaction is the fear – conscious or unconscious – of what might happen if they step out of line.  Here are some of the typical things I have heard over the years:

• Once I have enough money put away, I will take the risk.
• If I knew the future was predictable, I would quit now.
• If my new venture was a guaranteed success, I’d leave in a heart-beat.
• Once I am truly qualified, I’ll feel confident to make the change.

What is the Fear?

Underlying each of these excuses is the fear that you will:

1. Fail and feel stupid.
2. Run out of money and have to live on the street.
3. Be humiliated with smug naysayers saying “I told you so!”
4. Feel foolish that you ever thought your situation would be different.
5. Feel isolated because there are so few people on the road less travelled.
6. Never get back on the ladder and have to be satisfied with less.
7. Feel even more trapped, having gone through savings or worse, got into more debt.

These fears all take place within what Alain de Bottom (2004) calls Status Anxiety.

The desire of people in many modern societies to “climb the social ladder” and the  anxieties that result from a focus on how one is perceived by others

it is this anxiety that will keep you from acquiring the mindset and skills to:

1. Get up every morning, vibrant and existed about your life.
2. Develop the ability to have the conversations that matter with yourself and others to find new solutions to age-old problems.

Let me tell you a secret.

• No-one is watching.
• People who criticise you may do so because your actions reflect on their own status anxiety e.g. parents who resist their children going against the norm.
• Those who ridicule you as naïve do so because if they no longer feel safe in the knowledge that everyone is in the same boat.

The majority of what keeps you trapped in a job and life you don’t enjoy is Uncertainty. If you have any doubt about the power of avoiding uncertainty, consider the attempts we have created to maintain certainty:

1. Life insurance – so others will be looked after if you die.
2. Health insurance – so you’ll be supported if you get sick.
3. Income protection – so you’ll always have enough.
4. Superannuation – so you don’t end up old and poor.
5. Mortgage – so you will have a roof over your head.
6. Investment properties – so you’re not left behind.
7. The list goes on…..

The Certainty Myth

One of the myths I explore in The Myths of Life and the Choices We Have is the Certainty Myth.

It is better to be part of a group than to be an individual.

In our world of overwhelm and fear, conformity is sold to us disguised as certainty and safety. However, such conformity in its most powerful form stops you even thinking about other possibilities, instead acquiescing the going along with the norm that says, “Work hard, put enough money and security aside and one day you will be free to choose the life of your dreams!”

I come across every day, with people telling me that their anxiety is reaching intolerable proportions, and no amount of foregoing the pleasure of doing meaningful work, is helping them face with the dread and mundanity of having a job and lifestyle they despise.

How do you escape?

If this article resonates with you and you know you’re are not truly doing what you want, eager each morning to face the world, there is a way to get out of the trap.

If you want to have what you have not, you must do what you do not

1. Question Everything.
   Don’t accept the status quo.  Look for ways to make your dream a reality and ask people who have successfully made the shift for their advice.
2. Embrace Fear.
   Make friends with your doubts and use them to highlight what you need to change and what you don’t.  See anxiety as a loyal friend who is saying things are out of balance and negotiate with it to discern what is self-sabotage and what is excitement.
3. Accept that No-One’s Watching.
   People are preoccupied with their own status anxiety and fears to worry about yours.  Those who criticise you for taking steps to improve your life may not have your best interests at heart.  Surround yourself with people who truly want the best for you.
4. Romance Your Dream.
   Create a vision of the future you want to create.  Don’t allow doubt and practicalities to get in the way of thinking big and access the emotion you anticipate feeling when you make it happen.  Quantum Science tells confirms that this technique is a powerful way of manifesting reality, not merely alternative trickery.
5. Embrace Uncertainty.
   Accept that there is no insurance policy on life, but you will be safer if you embrace ways to ensure you can deal with whatever comes along.  See uncertainty as a normal and predictable part of life, bringing new opportunities and challenges to live meaningfully.

Contact me if you want to explore how I can help you make this happen.

DOWNLOAD your free digital copy of The Myths of Life and the Choices We Have to further explore the unquestioned social, personal and cultural assumptions that keep you trapped in the “Shoulds, Oughts and Musts” of life.  By identifying the myths against which you make choices, you will expand your options and take the steps to improve your life.

Successful people decide and act differently than unsuccessful ones.  There is overwhelming evidence that successful people decide quickly and rarely change their minds.  Unsuccessful people take a long time to decide and are always changing their minds and often feel anxious about the rightness of their decisions.  My recent experience at a yoga class not only reminded me of this reality but highlighted something important about communication.

Example

I recently joined a new six-week yoga program. Fifteen people started but by the second week only three, including myself remained. Maybe the others found yoga not to their liking or by some coincidence each found themselves facing other commitments that didn’t allow them to continue.

The teacher said she had not heard from the non-attendees and the committed people, including myself entered a lively debate about what they non-attendance was communicating. Several questions arose:

1. Were the non-attendees lazy or people who give up easily?
2. Were they rude in not advising the teacher or their colleagues of their actions?
3. Because the purchase of the classes was a transaction, does this give the purchaser the right to not take responsibility for explaining the impact it might have on the teacher or other people in the group?
4. What are the implications for creating community where people see an intimate setting of a class as a business transaction which, after payment, the purchaser can decide whether to use or not?
5. Would story telling of the remaining few be different if the non-attendees where to call and explain their actions or apologise?

All these questions and more point to the individual meanings and story telling that occur in social interactions. Depending on each person’s subjective meaning and existing worldviews, their interpretation will be different. Here are some suggestions of those different perspectives:

1. Some, longing for community and connection might be saddened by the transactional way in which a customer acts in such an intimate group.
2. Another may be unaffected, believing each person has paid in advance and therefore is the only one to suffer if they do not take advantage of the whole product/service.
3. Generational differences might occur with younger generations believing the consumer can do what they like, whereas baby boomers might tend to think there is greater responsibility for affecting the feelings of the teacher who has put a lot of effort into preparing the class.
4. Some may be disappointed and point to a wider breakdown in societal values that put a commercial overlay on personal actions, believing instead that personal integrity is at stake when not advising others of their actions.

The list of possible meanings is probably infinite. What it does point to is that whatever we do is communicating something very powerful to others and might be very different to what we intend.

As observers, we place meanings on others’ behaviour, which is always highly subjective. It reminds us to pay attention to times when others are left to their own interpretations because we have not specifically communicated our actions to others or assume they place similar meanings as ourselves on what we and others do.

Communication is much more than an exchange of information. It is a highly subjective process that reminds us that communication is a complex process, linking to what we believe we and are others are. We cannot experience other people’s experiences but we can ‘experience them experiencing us, experiencing them… and so on’.

In order to communicate more effectively, we must each be open to others’ different worldviews and take steps to tell others what we mean, for without this there is potential misrepresentation of ourselves which impact on the quality of all our relationships.

How we act also has implications for our success.  If we are anxious and unsure about decisions, constantly seek feedback in order to choose, this communicates something very important to others about who we are and what we are capable of.  If we have clear goals, a passion about what we are doing and act in accordance with those convictions, it communicates a stronger message and others respond and collaborate with us differently.

Ever get a deep anxiety gnawing away inside asking, ‘Is this all there is to life?’

After years of striving to be the best in your game, do you wonder why you’re doing all this beyond financial gain, status or material comforts?  If you’ve asked yourself this, you’re not alone. In fact, if you’ve been chasing the dollar instead of your passion, you’ll be in the minority not to ask it.  Twenty-five years of being a psychologist has afforded me the privilege of many people sharing their fears that maybe they have squandered their time and are so far down a path, they don’t know the way out.  In a confidential setting they dare to ‘speak the unspeakable’ and challenge a lifestyle the majority are told is the holy grail.

One person who achieved massive professional and financial gain, is Steve Jobs.  On his sickbed, he allegedly reflected on the lack of joy in his life and faced what we must all face – the aloneness of our death.  Several social media sites suggest that his last words reflect this.  We should all read them and ask if we face a similar plight if we continue on our existing paths.  Whether he wrote these words or not, if there’s a 1% chance that your last words might reflect the sentiments of Steve Jobs alleged words, then now is the time to change.

Will you dare to have that conversation that matters and ask of your current life, ‘How much is enough?’ Will you act on the answer to that question, even if it requires massive change? Or will you deny you have choice or fail to see the choices available?  The pain of regret is a deep one and the alternative is to ‘live on purpose’.  If Steve Jobs’ wrote these words, maybe this is his greatest contribution  – but only if the readers heed its message and take action.

Alledged Last Words By Steve Jobs

“I reached the pinnacle of success in the business world. In others’ eyes, my life is an epitome of success.However, aside from work, I have little joy. In the end, wealth is only a fact of life that I am accustomed to.

At this moment, lying on the sick bed and recalling my whole life, I realize that all the recognition and wealth that I took so much pride in, have paled and become meaningless in the face of impending death.

In the darkness, I look at the green lights from the life supporting machines and hear the humming mechanical sounds, I can feel the breath of god of death drawing closer…

Now I know, when we have accumulated sufficient wealth to last our lifetime, we should pursue other matters that are unrelated to wealth…

Should be something that is more important: Perhaps relationships, perhaps art, perhaps a dream from younger days …

Non-stop pursuing of wealth will only turn a person into a twisted being, just like me. God gave us the senses to let us feel the love in everyone’s heart, not the illusions brought about by wealth.

The wealth I have won in my life I cannot bring with me. What I can bring is only the memories precipitated by love. That’s the true riches which will follow you, accompany you, giving you strength and light to go on.

Love can travel a thousand miles. Life has no limit. Go where you want to go. Reach the height you want to reach. It is all in your heart and in your hands.

What is the most expensive bed in the world? – “Sick bed” …

You can employ someone to drive the car for you, make money for you but you cannot have someone to bear the sickness for you. Material things lost can be found. But there is one thing that can never be found when it is lost – “Life”.

When a person goes into the operating room, he will realize that there is one book that he has yet to finish reading – “Book of Healthy Life”.

Whichever stage in life we are at right now, with time, we will face the day when the curtain comes down. Treasure Love for your family, love for your spouse, love for your friends…

Treat yourself well. Cherish others’.